10. How to Steal a Dog

　　《怎样偷狗》

　　Stealing dogs has never been so good! If you're a cheapo whois looking to steal away man's best friend, choose this how-to.Maybe you want a free dog, steal one! Though stealing a dogwill probably get you put into prison. If you're that lonely andthat in need of someone, or something to talk to, just take adog, the original owner will understand!

　　偷狗可不是好事!如果你是个吝啬鬼，打算偷走人类最好的朋友，请选择这本指南。也许你想要一只免费的狗狗，那就偷一只去吧!虽然偷狗很可能让你遭受牢狱之灾。如果你孤独地要死，极度需要某人或某物来谈谈心，那就偷条狗吧亲!前主人会理解的!

　　9. How to Make a Dirty Movie

　　《怎样拍黄片》

　　Oh honey don't worry, I'm just reading about how to make a dirty movie...What?! Wouldn't it bemore precise to watch how to make a dirty movie? If you don't know how to make a dirty movie,that might tell you something, or a few things. But let's not go there. I guess some people justaren't romantic or errr...that perverted? Whichever you think fits best.

　　哦亲爱的别担心，我只不过是在读拍黄片指南……啥?!它会不会精确到要你观看怎样拍黄片?如果你不晓得怎样拍黄片，这本书会教你一点儿的，或者不少……不过我们还是别谈得太深入了吧，我想有些人应该没这么浪漫或者……呃……这么变态?你怎么想都行。

　　8. How to be a Pope

　　《如何当好教皇》

　　I hope that this book was written by an ex-Pope, but it probably wasn't, seeing as how writingabout how to be a pope is probably a sin in one way or another. Anyone who is reading abouthow to be a pope, shouldn't be a pope in the first place. Those who are destined to live in theVatican generally know what their duties will be as a pope while they are archbishop or something.

　　我希望这本书是前教皇写的，不过极可能不是。怎样写如何当好一个教皇某种程度很可能视为是一种罪行。读这本书的人肯定压根不会是教皇。而这些注定生活在梵蒂冈的人早在他是主教或其他啥职位的时候一般就都知道作为教皇的职责是什么了。

　　7. How to Break the Cycle of Life and Death

　　《怎样打破生死循环》

　　Now...maybe I'm not religious enough, or maybe I think too much, something, but who in theirright mind believes that they can actually live forever? There isn't a cycle to break. Life has abeginning, and an end. Maybe an afterlife, no one is too sure, but a book about how to beimmortal? Interesting, to say the least.

　　现在……我大概没那么虔诚，要么我有点想多了。但是一个头壳没坏掉的人谁会相信自己能永生啊?根本就不存在什么循环去打破。生命有始，亦有终。也许有来世，但没人能确定。可是一本关于如何永生不死的书?至多只能说它有趣。

　　6. How to Raise and Keep a Dragon

　　《怎样饲养龙》

　　I'm sure this would be a great book, if dragons really existed. Maybe they live and exist inside ofyour imagination, but not in mine. Besides, who'd want to keep an animal that can literally openits mouth and blowtorch you to death? I'd gladly pass on that option. If you ever cross pathswith a dragon, find this book.

　　我很确定这会成为一本伟大的书的，如果真的有龙存在的话。它们也许生活在你的想象中，不过不在我的想象中。再说了，谁会想要养一头一张嘴就能一口火喷死你的动物?我反正pass。如果你曾遇见过龙，去找这本书吧。

　　5. How to Start Your Own Country

　　《如何建立你自己的国家 》

　　If there is anyone, that has enough time and money to invest in starting his/her own country, I'dlove to meet him/her. Even better, I'd love to meet the person that sat down and had enoughtime to write a book surrounding the idea of creating a country. For one, a country isn't"created" by just one person; and two, land is always readily available, the only part that is startedis a name.

　　要是有人有足够的时间和金钱来投资建设他自己的国家，我可真想见见他。不过我更想见的是怀着怎样建立王国这种念头闲的蛋疼有空坐下来写书的人。首先，国家不是仅由一个人“创造”的，其次，总要有空地，唯一能创建的部分，就只有国家的名字而已。

　　4. How to Pee Standing Up

　　《怎样站着小便》

　　Apparently, being a girl and being able to pee while standing up is "hip." I didn't know womenwere looking to be more like men. I thought that whole individualism thing was still alive and welltoday. Would feminists frown or be happy about this book? Peeing standing up gives us onemore privilege a man has!

　　显然，作为一个女生并且能够在站立时小便是“很时尚的”。我倒是不知道女人想要变得更像男人。我想一定是如今个人主义精神健在并且蓬勃发展。女权主义者对对此书皱眉还是开心呢?站着小便又给了我们一项男人的特权!

　　3. How to Speak Cat

　　《怎样和喵星人谈话》

　　Speaking cat isn't hard, mainly because cats generally don't listen. Who'd invest their time tryingto understand an animal that isn't even seen most of the time? If you wanted to understand all ofthe different mews and sounds that come from your cat's mouth, this is the book for you.

　　和猫谈话不难，主要是因为猫咪们根本没在听你的。谁会把时间投入到试图理解一种一天到晚见不着几回的动物身上?如果你想理解你家猫咪所有不同的喵喵声和其他叫声，此书正合适。

　　2. How to Survive a Robot Uprising

　　《如何从机器人起义中活下来》

　　This seems like a useless book to me. In order for robots to rise up, they'd need to have somesort of control. However, those little things called remote controls, come very in handy to controla robot. Surviving a robot uprising would include the click or switch of a button. Tough! I guess ifyou're a sci-fi kinda guy you'd enjoy this book.

　　这本书看着对我来说屁用没有。为了使机器人起义，它们还得受一些控制。然而，这些小机关叫做远程控制，控制机器人迟早有用。从机器人起义中生存下来将会包括点击或开关按钮。如果你是科幻小说迷，应该会享受此书。

　　1. How to Become a Schizophrenic

　　《怎样变成精神分裂症患者》

　　I didn't know people actually could, and would want to "become" schizophrenic. Nothing likebeing able to allow yourself to become one who hears voices. However, I guess, maybe, it'ssomething worth experiencing. Who knows. On the brighter side, this book does provide manytheories as how one becomes a schizophrenic. How to Become a Schizophrenic

　　我不知道人可以，或者想要“变成”精神分裂症患者。这又不是什么像使你自己能够听见声音这种正面的事情。不过，我想这可能值得体验，谁知道呢。从光明的一面来说，这本书确实提供了不少如何精神分裂的理论。

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（编辑：何莹莹）